a serving of 'to-nies'

i seemed to have forgotten why i don't bake anymore. it's not that the end product [usually] doesn't come out right [or the way that it's supposed to] (well, maybe a tiny part of it might be the reason. but then again, the whole process of waiting and anticipating what it would turn out more than made up for the probable disappointment in the end :P) so, why don't i bake anymore? it's the washing up.

utensils everywhere (somehow during the whole process, i used more utensils than needed), there are flour everywhere, the spills and all that. urgh... just the mess itself more than put me off baking. never again. not in the near future anyway.

anyway, the brownie came out tasting like tofu and the marshmallows disappeared (or melted and became the gooey, sticky stuff on the brownie). so, i ended up with something that looked like a dark brown block of cheese (what with all the holes where the marshmallows are supposed to sit) that tastes as bland as tofu. now i understand the reasoning behind the WHOLE lot of sugar intended in the recipe. and i thought i was doing a WHOLE lot of good in reducing my sugar intake :\

anyway, my housemates were really cool. they actually tried the 'to-nies' (as it is now fondly called by my friends for its tofu-ly taste) without gagging while putting on a straight face. bless them! :)

i guess this reminds me that life is not always sweet. and when life tastes bland or even bitter, i still have reasons to rejoice and be thankful for, and on the top of my list - my family and my friends.

"give thanks in all circumstances..." - 1 thessalonians 5:18

-phing-

1 year 2 weeks

5 years ago, if you told me that i'll be living away from home, i'd laugh. fresh out of high school and just starting college, i wouldn't even dream of moving out from my home, let alone going overseas. 1 year and 2 weeks ago, i set foot on uk's ground. and i've been here since.

wanted to blog earlier (2 weeks ago, to be exact, my first anniversary here) but then, procrastination is such sweet escape. haha.

so, what have i accomplished in the past year that i have been here? well, i've got my bachelor's degree. and i've got a job. oh, and i've learned to cook a wicked spaghetti. haha. well, i guess all these are nothing without God's grace :) God has indeed been good to me.

in my year away from home, i've definitely learned to trust in God's grace and providence.

"... My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

-phing-

一碗汤的温暖

我超爱汤的。以前都不觉怎样；有汤就喝， 没也无所谓。可是现在，在这寒冷的天气里，如有一碗热呼呼的汤，那就真的觉得自己很幸福。

不记得从哪听过；一碗汤是没治病的功能，可是，它却能为个生病的人带来温暖，幸福感。那，身体也会较快好起来。突然间，好想念妈妈熬的汤。虽然，妈妈每次熬汤我都没生病，可是，只要是妈妈熬的，那碗汤总觉得很甜，很美味。虽说汤可自己熬，可是怎么熬，总觉缺乏一种味道。可能这就是他们所说的 “妈妈的味道” 吧。所以说呢，不曾失去就不懂得珍惜啰。哈哈。

现在，值得安慰的是，每一个星期在工作那儿，至少都有一碗汤喝。不是味精汤喔，是用真材实料熬出来的哟。想不到，我竟然可以在这儿找到小幸福 :) 真的好感动。

人在远方，没有家人在身边，这感觉真的是很孤单。好想家哦！

"疲乏的人，我使他饱饫。愁烦的人，我使他知足" - 耶利米书 31:25

萍上

"do you love Me?"

i remember a statement which goes something like this, "sometimes dying for Christ is easier than living for Him". i remember also, agreeing with this statement, though not in practical terms.

these past weeks, i've been having issues with a friend of mine. i'm not too sure whether who am i mad at more, him or myself. the thing is, he is not even aware that i am mad at him. i have been dropping hints here and there that i do not really agree with the things that he does, but somehow, it doesn't really get through the thick head of his. at times, i really felt like screaming at him and giving his behind a good, hard kick.

so, why didn't i just tell him straight? i don't know. it's not that easy. there are other factors to consider, like another of my friend who's involved in this. if i told him off, then it would be selfish on my part. sometimes i wish i could just be that selfish and not care.

"we bear the image of Christ. whatever we do, whatever actions we take, it reflects God", i remember telling this to my sunday school kids. maybe this is the reason why i care. and maybe this is why i'm finding it harder and harder to live, as Christ would me.

i remember one night, i was fuming and have been avoiding him, just in case i did something i'd really regret. i had my earphones on, listening to some music and trying to fall asleep. i remember a line of a song that was playing, "Jesus i love you" it sang repeatedly. four simple words and yet at that moment, i felt like i can't even say the words without blatantly lying. somehow, at that moment, i felt like Jesus was talking to me, asking me, "do you love me?", "if you love me, love him, because i love him". "i know you love him Lord, but it's so hard for me right now. it's so hard." my tears were pouring. but all i felt was Jesus' gentle words, repeating, "if you love me, love him, because i love him".

i have learned to forgive him but this doesn't mean that now i agree with what he does. i still don't. but, at least now i know i have a fruit of the spirit growing healthily within me - PATIENCE. and only God knows how much i need it.

"for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." - philippians 1:21

-phing-

snow

it was pretty exciting, considering this is only the second time that we (me & my mates) experienced ACTUAL snow. we've had our fair share of hailstones ;P


"He has made everything beautiful in its time..." - ecclesiastes 3:11

-phing-

could i ever
by planetshakers

when i woke up today
and thought of all the things You’d done
i find myself here
feeling oh so overcome

You gave Your life away for me
truly my heart belongs to You
so let me say

how could i ever thank You for
what You did at Calvary
when You bled and died for me
how could i ever turn away
knowing that You paid the price
that i could never pay

when i think of the way
that You died upon that Cross
bearing my sin
even though my heart was lost

**************************************************
happy easter :)

-phing-

"put it on my bill"

there is no such thing as a free lunch. i am sure that everyone has heard of this statement before. indeed, there is a price for everything.

a boy came into the shop and ordered some food. minutes later, the boy's mom walked into the shop with a friend. after the friend had ordered her food, she asked that whatever the boy owe, put it on her bill. so, i took the boy's ticket (or bill) , put 'paid' on it and transfered the total owed onto the lady's bill. at that instant, it hit me. isn't this exactly what easter is all about.

each of us has a 'bill' - for sins in our lives. i know it doesn't sound nice, but we humans are not perfect (romans 3:23). and the total price on our bill - death (romans 6:23). and no, master card will definitely NOT save us.

and so, because of love, Christ came and paid our bills, in other words, die in place of us (romans 5:8). the story is far from over. after dying on the cross, Christ resurrected, which means that He has conquered sin as well as death. our salvation is now assured. and this, is the story of easter.

now, i have a 'paid' on my bill, and so is yours :)

"... the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." - mark 10:45

-phing-

His selflessness for our selfishness

“How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?” - Albert Einstein

God showed His love for us by sending His Son.
Jesus showed His love for us by dying on the cross.

**************************************************
weight of the world
by planetshakers

the sweetest sound i've ever heard
the sound of heaven calling out to me

before i ever called Your Name
You gave Your life for me
and all the things i'd ever do
You took upon the cross

You took the weight of the world on Your shoulders (x2)
You did it all for me (x2)

the greatest love i've ever known
that You would give Your life to set me free

before i ever called Your Name
You paid the price for me
and all the things i'd ever do
You bought a covering

You take me as i am
into Your new scarred hands
and when i run so far away
You always call me back again
into Your open arms
not matter what ive done
amazing grace has found me here
because of what You've done for me

**************************************************

-phing-

in who (can) we trust?

my friend shared a link to me. it was an hour long documentary on malaysia's ex-deputy pm, anwar ibrahim; (quote unquote) "an insight story on an elaborate conspiracy". it tells of a very different story from what i know and heard when the ex-dpm was charged and jailed. all my years, all i know was that he was bad and that was that. now this documentary states otherwise, it was all a conspiracy to kick the ex-dpm out of the government.

i know, every story has its bias interpretation, and we should always look at both sides of a story. just like the classic red-riding hood, where we were told that the wolf is the baddie who tries to eat little red. that is until i watched 'hoodwinked', which tells of a different story from the fairy tale that we know. oh, btw, it really is good to watch, well-worth the 2 hours (or less) of your life ;P oh, if you must know, wolfie is not the baddie and this is about all the spoiler that you get. go watch it yourself :P

anyway, back to the question, "who can we trust?" in this fallen world, there's not many. as children, we were often told not to talk to strangers. so, 'strangers' would be definitely out of the list. who, then, is on our list of trust? family? friends? colleagues? neighbours? they are the most probable answers on our list. but can they REALLY be trusted? ok, calm down. i heard some already saying, "what?! don't you trust your OWN FAMILY?" of course i do. but i don't deny that family problems still exist because of betrayal of trust. even the bible has more than one story of unhappy family, i.e cain & abel.

then, you say, "hey, what about God?" yes. God. can He be trusted? some already question His existence, let alone trust. i have never seen God. so, why do i trust Him? or why do i even believe that He exists? i don't know. all i know is - FAITH. yes. faith. you can't question faith and you definitely cannot measure faith. either it's there or it's not. ok, i know i'm not making any sense. but i just couldn't explain in words, why i felt peace in the midst of chaos, felt joy in the midst of sadness, felt comforted when i'm blue or just having the assurance that anything is possible when i have Him with me (and by this, i don't mean that i plan to jump off a plane without a parachute, mind you). it's either i'm delusional or God is really with me. and i would definitely prefer the latter :)

"...in God i trust; i will not be afraid..." - psalm 56:4

******************************
oh, i got 3 fortune cookies yesterday.

one read, "you will never grow old because of your personality", which i felt was describing steve more than me. and so, i gave it to him.

the second read, "you are most likely to move at the end of the year", which i highly doubt. unless it was talking about my landlady not wanting to rent the house out any longer, which would then make the 'fortune' applies to everyone in this house. haha. i hope not.

and the third read, "think alot before answering any question next thursday". so, let's just see what happens on thursday :)

-phing-

loosing the sight of You

i came across a verse today and it really hit me hard.

it got me thinking. since the time that i've started work, everyday was like 'just getting through another day'. work is no fun and i think most (if not all) would agree. and living like this is seriously n.o.t g.o.o.d. for the soul. so, "what am i here for?", and i am sure that it is not living like this.

have i really strayed that far? i hope not. but only God knows.

"and be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." - romans 12:2 (kjv)

-phing-

sorry for your lost

four simple words, and yet it is so hard to be expressed.

what exactly do you say to someone who has just lost their loved ones? i have no idea. having lost a loved one myself, i couldn't remember exactly what people has said to me. words of comfort and encouragement that is all i know.

today i found myself really lost for words, and all that i could do was to pray.

prayer. what a great gift. in times especially when nothing can be done, a prayer is the best that one can offer. a prayer for comfort. a prayer for peace. or a prayer for understanding.

"...pray for each other..." - james 5:16

-phing-

life's like this

has there been a time in your life that you felt really sick of life and there's absolutely nothing what-so-ever that you do could make you feel better? you felt like screaming but your voice's trap in your throat; you felt like crying but the tears just won't come; felt like giving up but is afraid to disappoint the people that you hold dear. you feel so alone eventhough there are people around you. you think that, "well, no one cares anyway". then, you realize that the problem is not with the people around you but it's YOU. and then you felt 10x worse than before.

well, that's life. that's what i'm feeling right now anyway, with my hormones on their roller-coaster ride. i think i'm gonna go insane; one moment everything is okie-dokie, next moment it's "you better get lost!"

ok, so the diagnose: ME
problem starts when we (ok... when 'I') put ourselves ('MYSELF') in capital letters. we focus too much on ourselves that we think that our problems are far superior than ww1 and ww2 put together and that people should know better than to cross our paths or that somehow it becomes their sacred duty to make us feel better. ok, i admit that i'm guilty in this department lately and i won't use my unbalanced hormone levels as excuse. truth is, there is no excuse, it's just our selfish nature taking it's course (;P)

how often have we thought of others instead of ourselves? in our conversations, what's the ratio of 'me' to 'he/she/them' (and by this, i don't mean in the bad/gossip kind of way, for this is just another way to make you look 'bigger' or more superior than others, indirectly). and so, i hang my head in shame as i recall the countless times that tried to make myself look 'big' (not physically, though i don't need much help in that area anyway ;P)

the solution: GOD
then i learn to change my focus and put God first. and when God is the centre of attention, all i could see is His unfailing love and His wonderful mercy. at this, i couldn't help but smile and with such awe in my heart that i just have to say thank you to the One who gave me life in the first place, who allowed me to experience and be part of His marvelous creation, who in the worst of myself, NEVER forsakes me.

when we are at the weakest points in our lives, God is always there waiting. just like the story of the prodigal son, how often when there's no other options left, only then we turn to our Father. why does He have to be the last we go to? i'm not mad at anybody, just myself for relying on my own strength too much and too often than trusting God to provide. all my life (well, 4 years of my life) i taught kids to put God first, but look where i am now. i felt like a hypocrite. i guess i am. name: michelle, job: hypocrite. oh, how i loathe myself right now.

anyway, just like the story, i know that my Father is and always will be there when i need Him. there is not a moment in a day that i am not filled by His unfailing love. it's so hard to put into words this love that i felt. even in times like this that i hate myself for doing the things i did, somehow i could feel His comfort, it's like Him saying, "it's ok, i love you".

God never fails.

"the Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and i am helped. my heart leaps for joy and i will give thanks to Him in song." - psalm 28:7

-phing-

"Hey ya, what would you like?"

2 weeks into my job and it's getting duller by the moment. not. haha. it's not what as expected but to be honest, it was a cool job; standing behind the counter, greeting everyone who comes in with a smile, asking "what would you like", then rush off and prepares the order, and this cycle continues by the minutes. yup, not such a bad job. at least the pay is good =P

******************************
this song kinda sings what i've been feeling througout the week. enjoy =)

EVEN WHEN
by Seven Places

this week, i prayed, one time
my phone, it rang, i put You on the other line
and now my thoughts they drift around
my knees remain unacquainted with the ground
unless my faith is put to the test and i am forced to bow
although i'm in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best
from me, from me

[Chorus:]
even when my eyes are dry
even when my soul is tired
even when my hands are heavy, i will lift them up to You
it's not about how i feel, oh Lord i am here for You
i exist for You

i close my eyes but all i see
is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
and this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
i will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
forget about me, i only get me down
although i cannot see it doesn't mean i shouldn't sing to You, to You

[Chorus]

You've given me Your life and have held mine together yet i find
excuses to slouch in my pew
but when glory divine
is sitting in my very presence, the least that i can do
is give my all to You, give my all to You

[Chorus]

-phing-

selamat hari raya. maaf zahir & batin.

i guess i'm finally settling in here.
it's been long since i last blogged. don't know where to start and not sure whether words alone are enough to describe all that have happened. all i can say is that there are good times, great times and then there are the really bad times. but i still thank God for guiding me through them all.

so, i guess i won't be picking up where i've left off, i'll just have to start anew; close the previous chapter of my life and start a new chapter.

-phing-

trust in the Lord
by point of grace

trust, trust in the Lord
lean not on your own understanding
in all, all of your ways
acknowledge him
He'll make your path straight

**********
a lot had happened these past weeks. in all, we need to remind ourselves to trust the One who created us and the One who holds our future.

-phing-

in a rush

going to see the bank close

-phing-

it's finished

3 modules down, 2 more to go.
today's the official day in wrapping up the 3rd module - contemporary issues in IT.

exams are fun. not.

all my 'gon liong' really 'gon liao'. i need to re-stock. i wanna go shopping!!

-phing-

i'm already there

it has been more than a month now since i've left home. haha. sounded so wrong. anyway, i'm currently in merseyside, liverpool!! and enjoying every moment of it, whether good or bad =P

the past weeks felt like they're in fastforward. as i said, it's already more than a month, (in fact, approaching 2). even though everyday's in a slower pace than back home (feels like it anyway), somehow the past weeks seemed like they were flying through.

anyway, getting into routine now. wake up everyday, then go uni (mon-fri), slept in occasionally on the weekends. haven't been around much (outside of merseyside). the furthest i've been would be alton towers in staffordshire. great fun =) other than that which are outside of merseyside would be chester, west kirby and new brighton.

oh, i have uploaded some of my photos into webshots.
(click to albums)

currently in the lab at uni. am supposed to looks into some of the notes for lectures afterwards. anyway, can't concentrate and read off the monitor. so, thought to update my blog instead =P

i really miss everyone back home...

-phing-

zoo was fun

no, seriously...

despite the stink and most of the animals were like malas want to layan us, still there are some that had 'unintentionally' humoured us, esp. the baby wild boars. haha. they are just adorable! oh, ivy, juz remembered, you forgotten to take picture with the ostrich =P haha. anyway, it rained. never thought i'd see the zoo on a rainy day. it was pretty cool. it got even 'cooler' (temperature wise as well as expression) when we're on the shuttle to get to the exit. and yeah, we were wet, esp. me and ivy. got the best seat, i mean stand, in the shuttle, helped shelter the others from the rain. so kind of us =P anyway, you could imagine what everyone smelt like, esp. when everyone's cramped in my little car. smelled like we took the whole zoo with us, the stink anyway. haha.

after that went for lunch. make that really late lunch. had yong tau fu in ampang. it's halal! can you imagine! anyway, getting there was kinda eventful, getting out of there was even more eventful. not bad, considering that we get to tour around kl.

the photos will have to wait; need some editing here and there =P oh, hannah, ivy, i want the photos!! haha. anyway, thank you guys (namely andrew, ivy, hannah & tim) for a great day =)

*** rewind back to sunday ***

my gratitude towards all the sunday school teachers (esp mun wai) for the luncheon on sunday & the gift. it was really cool. nearly cried. haha. not so much as to the adhoc speech that i needed to come up with, but all the advices and well-wishers of you guys. thanx guys, really appreciate them =)

oh, & i cut my hair.

***************************

can't believe i'm leaving next week! got me just now while i was driving home. i'm gonna miss everyone & everything (haha). somehow all the farewells felt like it's the last time that i'm gonna see you guys *sniff... sniff...* anyway, just to make it more bearable, i'm just gonna be missing 1 (or maybe 2) christmas with you guys... waaaaaahhhh...

anyway, remember to miss me ya =P

-phing-

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)
by Chris Tomlin

amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost, but now am found
was blind, but now i see

'twas grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved
how precious did that grace appear
the hour i first believed

my chains are gone
i've been set free
my God, my Savior has ransomed me
and like a flood His mercy reigns
unending love, amazing grace

the Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures

the earth shall soon dissolve like snow
the sun forbear to shine
but God, Who called me here below
will be forever mine
will be forever mine

You are forever mine

******************************
"[Jesus said]... I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies..." - John 11:25

r.i.p grandma (30 august 1923 - 20 april 2007)

-phing-