life's like this

has there been a time in your life that you felt really sick of life and there's absolutely nothing what-so-ever that you do could make you feel better? you felt like screaming but your voice's trap in your throat; you felt like crying but the tears just won't come; felt like giving up but is afraid to disappoint the people that you hold dear. you feel so alone eventhough there are people around you. you think that, "well, no one cares anyway". then, you realize that the problem is not with the people around you but it's YOU. and then you felt 10x worse than before.

well, that's life. that's what i'm feeling right now anyway, with my hormones on their roller-coaster ride. i think i'm gonna go insane; one moment everything is okie-dokie, next moment it's "you better get lost!"

ok, so the diagnose: ME
problem starts when we (ok... when 'I') put ourselves ('MYSELF') in capital letters. we focus too much on ourselves that we think that our problems are far superior than ww1 and ww2 put together and that people should know better than to cross our paths or that somehow it becomes their sacred duty to make us feel better. ok, i admit that i'm guilty in this department lately and i won't use my unbalanced hormone levels as excuse. truth is, there is no excuse, it's just our selfish nature taking it's course (;P)

how often have we thought of others instead of ourselves? in our conversations, what's the ratio of 'me' to 'he/she/them' (and by this, i don't mean in the bad/gossip kind of way, for this is just another way to make you look 'bigger' or more superior than others, indirectly). and so, i hang my head in shame as i recall the countless times that tried to make myself look 'big' (not physically, though i don't need much help in that area anyway ;P)

the solution: GOD
then i learn to change my focus and put God first. and when God is the centre of attention, all i could see is His unfailing love and His wonderful mercy. at this, i couldn't help but smile and with such awe in my heart that i just have to say thank you to the One who gave me life in the first place, who allowed me to experience and be part of His marvelous creation, who in the worst of myself, NEVER forsakes me.

when we are at the weakest points in our lives, God is always there waiting. just like the story of the prodigal son, how often when there's no other options left, only then we turn to our Father. why does He have to be the last we go to? i'm not mad at anybody, just myself for relying on my own strength too much and too often than trusting God to provide. all my life (well, 4 years of my life) i taught kids to put God first, but look where i am now. i felt like a hypocrite. i guess i am. name: michelle, job: hypocrite. oh, how i loathe myself right now.

anyway, just like the story, i know that my Father is and always will be there when i need Him. there is not a moment in a day that i am not filled by His unfailing love. it's so hard to put into words this love that i felt. even in times like this that i hate myself for doing the things i did, somehow i could feel His comfort, it's like Him saying, "it's ok, i love you".

God never fails.

"the Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and i am helped. my heart leaps for joy and i will give thanks to Him in song." - psalm 28:7

-phing-